034. Too unlovable to succeed (pt 7/?)
you really should go and love yourself
The parasocial relationships described in yesterday’s post is the most obvious route to love-money.
But it isn’t just about your relationship with others.
Fellow
writer recently made a lovely video about the Buddhist practice of loving-kindness.In order to be kind to others, we must first admit that we want to love and care for ourselves. Our minds often tell us that we shouldn’t be too kind to ourselves or that we don’t want to “grow a big head.”1
Being unlovable
As I chewed on this concept of love-money and how I might open myself to it, I realized that it conflicted with another uncomfortable concept: a subconscious belief that I wasn’t unconditionally lovable.
A combination of capitalism, masculinity beliefs, and achievement culture meant I always felt the need to prove my worth.
This belief obviously stems from the romantic realm, but if people give money to those they love…
and I’m not lovable…
then I’m entirely shut out from this way of making money!
External validation as love-money
Here's
musing about an interesting grant opportunity earlier this month:
Fascinating – money as a flow of belief in others. As I wrote previously:
Growing up around creative adults has an effect on your beliefs of what could be a viable career. The people around you don’t even necessarily have to be rock stars. They just need to be around to show you what’s possible.2
For those who don’t know what they’re capable of, what’s even more important than the amount of money is simply the confirmation that others believe in you.
They see the spark that you don’t believe is there.
Grants and fellowships certainly sound like love-money to me.
Love and belief
But what if you didn’t need a grant? What if you didn’t need to apply?
What if you took the savings you have dammed up and considered it a fellowship to yourself?
Forget about the 4% withdrawal rule! You “applied” by earning the money. It’s yours!
What could you do with that lump sum?
In other words:
What if you had permission to believe in yourself?
Christin continues in her post:
But the more we don’t love ourselves and see ourselves as separate from others, the harder it becomes to truly love and care for others.
As mentioned previously, thinking about how to provide for others is an effective way to reframe the scarcity mindset around making money. But a prerequisite for that is the belief that you can provide in the first place.
Parting thoughts
you feel like you were told by society that the way making a living works is that you do labor and are paid a fair wage for your labor and that's how you earn the right to exist and be a member of society…
you actually do not need to earn the right to exist and you never have.3
Ah Kevin! You are touching on something I've (slightly) realized too--that inner contempt is blocking the financial energies I've been ironically seeking and beating myself up over (as you can see it's quite a vicious cycle, teehee!) I appreciate your insight and I'm so glad to get to know you through Jibran's challenge.