I’ve come across today’s title in various forms across the Internet.
The advice has definitely come in handy in my life, but I’ve never thought about why this distinction is necessary. This weekend, I read a book called Difficult Conversations that provided some useful context that made it all click for me.
The critical importance of feelings
In today’s scientific and rational world, some people believe that feelings are an evolutionary afterthought, an annoying side effect that gets in the way of the “real” problems. These people want to skip the conversation and jump straight into problem-solving.
But at their core, difficult conversations are about feelings. Emotions such as anger, disappointment, or fear are often the reasons why the conversation is difficult in the first place.
That means it’s not usually about the surface-level topic anyway. For example, a wife ostensibly divorced her husband because he left his dishes by the sink. But do we really think the dishes are the problem that needed solving?
The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.
She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her…1
This applies to all types of relationships.
A coworker is upset with you for missing a deadline, but the underlying issue is actually feeling disrespected.
A mother arguing with her grown son about taking over the family business might actually be a conversation about fear of abandonment.
In difficult conversations, people want their feelings to be acknowledged. Subconsciously, they are gauging the other person:
Do you understand my feelings?
Do you care about my feelings?
As described in the book, engaging in a difficult conversation without talking about feelings is like watching an opera without music – you’ll understand the plot but you’re missing the point.
Problem-solving can seem easier, more efficient, and more logical than talking about emotions. But if feelings are the core issue, what have you accomplished if you don’t address them?