076. So what do you do with the elephant??
076. So what do you do with the elephant??
Advice for breaking free
I didn’t give much actionable advice in yesterday’s post, so I thought I’d share one framework that’s been helpful for me: a therapy modality called Internal Family Systems.
In IFS, you view your mind as made up of discrete sub-personalities (aka “parts”) with their own goals and personalities. What differentiates IFS from some other modalities is that it’s non-pathologizing – it views all parts as having good intentions and rationale for their actions, even behaviors we normally view as “bad”, such as addiction or anger.
It also posits that rather than being a passive witness to these parts, we can actively help our parts take on new, healthier roles.These parts can take on different representations when you try to access them. For some people, parts can be accessed as felt senses in the body (e.g. a tightening in the stomach). For others, parts can be verbal or visual… perhaps a little elephant for example?
Regardless of whether you sit down for a professional IFS session, I think there are some actionable first steps you can take.
Access
One method I use is writing what Julia Cameron calls “morning pages”: three pages (front and back) of handwritten, stream-of-consciousness writing. Your mind is like a backed-up faucet, and there’s no shortcut to achieving clarity other than first emptying the wastewater. Sometimes I literally write “I don’t know what to write” over and over until something else surfaces. I (or perhaps my parts) usually run out of mundane distractions within the first page.
From there, I can get to to the meatier stuff that’s been bothering me. For example, I will often write a question down and get a response from somewhere in my head. I can repeat this or further go down a specific rabbit hole until I run out of pages. In this way, I have a (written) conversation with my parts and a transcript that I can refer to in the future!
Acceptance
To get a sense of what we can do once we access a part, let’s check out a live therapy session between IFS therapist Richard Schwartz and Tim Ferriss on the latter’s podcast. During the session, Ferriss is able to access a part with Schwartz’s guidance.
Ferriss describes the part as a confused, scared child. The part seems to be trapped in the past, so Schwartz instructs Ferriss:
So now I want you to go to that boy in that time period, some point in that time period, and be with him…
Once you can identify a part, you act as a compassionate witness. Your parts want to feel like you understand how bad it’s been for them, or how hard they’ve been working to protect you from the world. In other words, they want to be heard.
Rather than rejecting any parts as bad or wrong, accept them. As psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.”
Change
What might that change look like? After some exploration, Schwartz directs Ferriss to ask his child part:
…see if he’d like to leave that time and place with you and come to a safe, comfortable place now.
You can’t change your literal past, but you can access parts that are stuck in the past and change their inner worlds. Once your parts feel heard and comfortable, you can let them know that things are different now, that you are capable of fending for yourself in the present. You can let your parts know that they don’t have to remain stuck in the past either, that they can come with you.
To tie this back to yesterday’s post, I recognize that even if I felt like I lacked agency growing up, that’s no longer the case. I can step out of that dream mashup.
If they trust that you’re going to take care of them, they are willing to leave and to give up the emotions and beliefs they’ve been carrying. In the recorded session, Schwartz directs Ferriss to ask his part whether he’d like to give up his burden to an element, such as light, water, fire, wind, or earth. Tim chooses fire:
Schwartz: Fire, good. All right, Tim, so set up a fire for him and tell him to take all that out of the place in his body and to let the fire take care of it. Just put it in the fire until it’s all gone.
Ferriss: Done.
Schwartz: Good. How does he feel now without it?
Ferriss: Looks a lot happier. Looks ready to jump up and down.
Going through healing processes isn’t a panacea. But it does get you to a place of deep okay-ness.
It’s like figuring out there’s a rock in your shoe while you’re running a marathon. It’s helpful to realize there’s a rock and taking it out, but you still have to run the marathon.I’m by no means an expert, so please let me know if I got anything wrong about IFS or if you have any other strategies!
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), for example, will try to get you to identify a thought or behavior as “irrational”, whereas in IFS, that pattern is perfectly rational from a part’s perspective.
Disclaimer: this is not professional medical advice, etc, etc
