I’m cross-posting another
writer’s essay today because it covers an under-discussed yet universal topic: death.The author, Laila, writes about her partner recently passing away and the deafening silence from others after his passing:
We both know people who have not said a word about our loss. Four months down the track they talk to you as if nothing happened…
Trust me. Not reaching out is a LOT worse than intruding.
I’ve written about the loss of rituals previously, and death is an area where we have paid a tremendous cost for our modern individualistic culture.
How is the lack of ritual an issue? One way to frame it comes from The Language Of Emotions by Karla McLaren1, which describes the three stages of initiation rituals for indigenous tribes:
Being isolated or separated from known world
The initiation is an organized event. Tribe members know it’s coming and prepare for it.
Undergoing an ordeal
Ordeals have a clearly-defined end and are set in a safe environment (i.e. you’re being supervised from afar in case things go sideways).
Being recognized and welcomed back as an initiated person
The initiate returns, but they are not the same person who left. They are a new person, starting a new life with new responsibilities.
McLaren describes how trauma can be viewed as an involuntary initiation ceremony. Here’s where trauma differs in this three-stage process:
In trauma, your removal from the known world is sudden and unexpected
In trauma, there is no organization or promise of an end
In trauma, there is often no return
Witnessing the death of a loved one can be a traumatic initiation process. Even if it isn’t a sudden death, it’s not something many of us have prepared for or have experience with. We take our loved ones’ health for granted until it’s too late.
Prior to death, even the care-taking of an elderly family member can be a traumatic initiation process. I’ve experienced several terrifying “first”s. The first fall to the ground. The first fight between relatives about responsibilities. The first 911 call.
When is it over?
McLaren asserts that without stage 3, the trauma victim will repeat stages 1 and 2 indefinitely.
There is no one to tell the trauma victim that he or she has survived a deathlike ordeal and has come out the other side as a new being. There is no conscious acknowledgement of the sudden end of childhood or normalcy, and there is certainly no celebration.
Without the return in stage 3, there is no closure for the “initiate”. Without a ceremony or village elder telling you that your ordeal is over, you are left in limbo.
What might stage 3 look like? In traditional Chinese culture, there is a fixed mourning period, from three months to three years depending on your relation to the deceased. Colored bands are worn on the sleeve to let your community know you are in mourning. One one hand, it feels weird to have a set date for when you stop officially mourning a loved one, but it must also be relieving to know when exactly you can return to your new life without feeling guilty that you haven’t done enough.
So what now?
Laila ends her essay by referring to Thestrals from the world of Harry Potter, horse-like creatures who can only be seen by those who have witnessed death.
You don’t necessarily need to experience near death to see Thestrals. They also appear visible to those who have accepted, understood and internalised the concept of death.
I am grateful that I can now see Thestrals. It makes me live my life more intentionally.
Most of us have an “ugh field” that prevents us from even considering our mortality. When I started doing research on end-of-life planning a few months ago, I could physically feel my body telling me to stop. It was a fight-or-flight response kicking in due to the mere thought of death.
If like in Laila’s example, you don’t know how you would respond to a grieving friend, isn’t that worth thinking about? How would you want your friends to respond if you were grieving? In our individualistic culture, perhaps the next best thing is defining our personal rituals and expectations.
It’s worth making time to think about it. If we don’t prepare for the initiation rituals we must all undergo, we may end up stuck in limbo.
045. What’s so scary about death?
Thank you for featuring my essay. Great connection you made with initiations too. Christin also shared that you had lunch together :)
Yes!! Laila is amazing 🫶